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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24593398">Dualscar's Seed</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vi0l3t/pseuds/vi0l3t'>vi0l3t</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoodleNoodle/pseuds/WoodleNoodle'>WoodleNoodle</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Disobedience Of Social Distancing Guidelines [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck, The Lorax (2012)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Beef the Liver, Comedy, Dirty Jokes, Guns, Implied SolFef, M/M, Memes, Mpreg, Sollux cum jar, The Lorax AU (kind of), based on a line from Double Time heehee, cuttlefish impregnation, kankri is the lorax lmao, mention of ACNH, one-sided erifef, shitpost, this makes no sense but take it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:21:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,491</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24593398</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vi0l3t/pseuds/vi0l3t, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoodleNoodle/pseuds/WoodleNoodle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>part of a series but can be read as a stand-alone</p>
<p>Dualscar helps Eridan impress his girl. Weird shit happens.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eridan Ampora/Feferi Peixes, Sollux Captor/Feferi Peixes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Disobedience Of Social Distancing Guidelines [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1770076</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Crologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dualscar glared out his window, looking into the sea. This was pissing him off. Quarantine was a shitlord and a half, and he was gonna beat its ass. What’s that, quarantine doesn’t have an ass? He’s gonna give quarantine an ass so he can beat its ass. That’s how pissed off he was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was one of those guys who was about to storm a US capital building with a big scary gun because he thinks massages are an essential business. In fact, now that he thought about it, he hella needed a massage. Or at least, wanted one. He had Old Man Disease and his back hurt like SHIT. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Groaning, he flopped down on his bed. He’d already done just about everything he could think to do. Play Animal Crossing was the one thing he had yet to do, because he couldn’t figure out the controls and he broke his switch in half. Besides, fuck those cute animals. Wait no don’t</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>ANYWAY, he’d done the things. He’d taken the online yoga classes. He’d smoked the weeds. He’d killed the hundreds of innocent peoples. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Guess all that’s left to do is go to the fucking sleeps.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. It Begins</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Eridan was on his bike, with Popbob the cluckbeast in the front basket, and he was a man on an underwater mission. He needed to find a baby cuttlefish, or an old man cuttlefish whatever, any fish would do really seeing as they were all dead. But if he could have his way, it would be a baby cuttlefish, because that would HELLA impress Feferi. Fortunately, he knew just where to look, and he was on his way to get that cuttlefish. He parked his bike outside of this weird mancave thing, placed Popbob in the giant ass pocket of his cape, and knocked on the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“WHO’S THERE?” came a loud and vaguely Scottish voice that sounded like Darth Vader’s illegitimate twelfth cousin twice removed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um… Eridan?” How the fuck do you answer that when the guy inside the mancave doesn’t even know who you are? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING FAIRY’S NAME.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m sorry I don’t have a shitty ass landdweller name, you old fuckin’ geezer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s when the guy inside got so pissed he came outside. Then he realized Eridan had the same horns as him which I guess means they’re related fuck if i know shit about troll genetics bro.</span>
</p><p><span>“Oh shit.”</span><span><br/></span> <span>“Hi dad.” Popbob gave a little squeak as well. Eridan continued, “I know you’ve got a cuttlefish in there.”</span></p><p>
  <span>Dualscar looked suddenly uncomfortable. “Well, yes, but actually no.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanna know how all the fish died?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...because of COVID-19?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No dumbshit, I killed them. You see, when I was your age…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh god it’s old man expositional storytime.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. tw tree murder</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It all began when Cronus was in quarantine last week. He’d broken out of jail, but as it turned out, there wasn’t a whole lot to do in quarantine, especially as a very stinky ex-convict who had sworn never to force his friends into cat maid outfits ever again probably. So he became a lumberjack. Obviously. The only logical conclusion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, one day, he was chopping down a tree, and then as the tree fell, fucking Kankri popped out of the stump. But he was like two feet tall and had a really thick mustache for some reason. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Woah, what the fuck.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am the Kankax and I speak for the trees! I speak for the trees for the trees have no tongues, except for transspecies trees- AND I’M ASKING YOU, </span>
  <em>
    <span>CRONUTS, </span>
  </em>
  <span>at the TOP OF MY LUNGS-” he motioned towards the fallen tree, “What the FUCK?! #Tree murder #environmental disregard #swearing”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That depends, will you fuck me based on my answer? Being a virgin sucks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I’m celibate, you buffoon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck. Well I’m a lumberjack and if you identify as a tree that’s cool but I’m gonna have to kill you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Kankax hid behind the tree stump because he’s literally that small. “Please don’t. I’m not a tree, and I’d be very triggered if you tried to kill me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn, what’s the point of you being in the story if I’m not going to kill </span>
  <em>
    <span>or </span>
  </em>
  <span>fuck you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I need to move the story along. Now, if you’ll excuse me,” The Kankax snapped his tiny crusty little fingers and all the trees were dead. So were all the fish and the plants and- everything’s fucking dead okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now good day, sir who I will NOT be having sex with!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He threw a rock at Cronus’s face that said ‘#Unless’ on it and disappeared back into the tree stump. Then Cronus cried for five hours.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. A Jar Labeled "DO NOT EAT"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Remember when this story was about Dualscar and Eridan? Pepperidge farm remembers. Anyway, old man storytime is over. Eridan sat on Dualscar’s suspiciously luxurious couch, popcorn bucket on one side of him and Popbob snuggled up on the other. He tossed a singular popped corn to Popbob, who ate it, before he looked back up at Dualscar.</span>
</p><p><span>“I don’t know, sounds like this Kank guy killed them to me.”</span><span><br/></span> <span>“Shut the fuck up, virgin.”</span></p><p><span>“But I thought you were also-”</span><span><br/></span> <span>“SHUT THE FUCK UP VIRGIN.”</span></p><p>
  <span>“Okay, whatever. Now that you’ve told your weird old man tree story, can I have that cuttlefish please?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, about that.” Dualscar cleared his throat. “They’re dead you dumbshit what part of that did you not understand. I have jizz.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“wwhat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I HAVE CUTTLEFISH SEMEN.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I fuckin’ heard you, gramps. Now what the fuck am I gonna do with cuttlefish semen? I have an heiress to impress, you know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dualscar went over to his desk and pulled out a jar labeled “DO NOT EAT”, tossing it to Eridan. It had cuttlefish semen and a figurine which was too obscured with jizz to identify.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Use your imagination, seahorse boy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eridan’s fins lowered as he stared down at the jar. He glanced over at Popbob for moral support, but was only met with that fuckin DVD logo stare. Really helpful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should I- you know…” Eridan mimicked shoving the jar into his nook. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dualscar shrugged and mimicked ‘fuck if I know kid, if you’re into that’. Eridan got up, grumbling, and made his way towards the bathroom to shove that cuttlefish jizz inside of him I guess. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, don’t do that in my fucking cave, dude.” Dualscar grabbed Eridan and pushed him toward the door. “You’ve been here long enough, take your cock and your leave. Also be mindful of the bee.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And so Eridan ‘Seawhorse Mpreg Boy’ Ampora went back to his hive and shoved cuttlefish jizz in his nook without any assistance from someone who isn’t an absolute fucking bottom because nobody wants to fuck him. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. We're Sorry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’s been five months and Eridan is the size of a house. But like, a very small house, for midgets or something. Like, really tiny midgets. Like the Kankax. Or something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that’s when he realized:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This is fucking stupid. So what better to do than go and pay the stinky tech support bee man a visit? Surely he will know what to do about this. There is nobody better suited to the job. Nobody at all. Yep. Not a single person, of any blood color or anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eridan stood outside the door to Sollux’s hive and knocked on it aggressively.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sol! Let me in, you shit, I have important news.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get out of my room I’m playing Minecraft!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“LET ME IN YOUR SHIT HIVE YOU DICKWEED.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“NO FUCK OFF AMPORNA.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“FINE, I’LL LET MYSELF IN!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eridan took out Ahab’s Crosshairs and shot the fucking door. He reached his hand inside through the giant hole it left and let himself in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, as I was sayin’, I have somethin’ important to tell you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you gonna buy me PrioQ again?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m-”</span>
</p><p><span><br/></span> <span>“Then shut the fuck up.”</span></p><p>
  <span>“Sol.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut the fuck up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“SOLLUX CAPTOR I AM PREGNANT!”</span>
</p><p><span><br/></span> <span>“Okay cool, and I’m playing on the oldest anarchy server in Minecraft.”</span></p><p>
  <span>“You’re the father.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sollux pulled out a gun. He fucking shot Eridan point blank. Eridan was kil. Then Feferi came out of the closet in her bra and panties, letting out a gasp. “OH MY COD!!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut the fuck up I want two play Minecraft.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then Feferi sang Let It Grow as she took out Kanaya’s chainsaw and cut the baby cuttlefish out of Eridan. Now it’s her child. She turned into the guy from Maury.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sollux Captor, you are the father!”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Oh Thank Fuck</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dualscar woke up in a cold sweat, eyes wide. He looked around his room and let out a sigh. None of that was real. Thank fuck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then he saw a CUTTLEFISH. But it wasn’t actually a cuttlefish that was laying on his chest. It was a cold, wet liver with blonde hair and huge balls. It had one golden fang in the middle of its mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“B-Beef-senpai…?” Dualscar asked, scared for his life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey baby,” Beef said in Cronus’ voice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thend.</span>
</p>
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